A Lonely Grief

Yesterday was the first anniversary of Mum's death. Boy that really crept up on me. Time has just gone so quickly. I think about mum every day - some more than others. Sometimes I feel upset and teary but lots of other times those thoughts are just there. I was so busy getting things ready for fathers day that I had put it to the back of my mind but I did make sure that I got to church on Sunday to say a prayer for her and for Dad. Once our visitors had left on fathers day and I had spoken with Dad and one of my sisters in Brisbane - the grief hit me. It was a lonely sort of grief. I am so far from Dad's home. This time last year I was there with him. We'd been visiting the hospital every day and on the morning Mum died I had been lying in bed next to hers and Dad's room and I swear I felt her prescence as I looked out the window and prayed for her - I knew her time was soon. We got the call and raced up to spend some time with her still warm body at the hospital. All of us together - her three daughters and her husband. It was surreal but we were there together. Soon we were preparing for her burial and talking with relatives and friends. It was actually nice - to be able to share our sorrow, our bewilderment at our loss. This year though I was alone. I had to go to work. I cried a little by myself and went to bed early, I slept fitfully, my mind working over time trapped by the fact there was no specific place for this grief. No rituals to release it. A loving and understanding husband yes, but it wasn't the same. I felt sick to my stomach and headachey. I got ready for work and wore the beautiful locket that Dad had given me at Christmas with a photo of mum in it. I added a cross to the chain. I went to work feeling dazed as I quashed emotion that had no outlet. I got through the day. Stony broke I wandered the local shopping centre - I needed to buy some braod beans for our dinner and I wanted to buy some Iris - something to have in my house for mum. In the department store I saw the Christmas decorations. I remembered the same time last year all the decorations had come out about this time too. I nearly bought a decoration too - mum had loved Christmas in all its beauty - and its kitch - but in the end I didn't have the heart for it - and so gave up and left - to go get the twins and take them home.

DH came home and thankfully took over. It was all I could do to get through dinner - then I took myself to bed where finally by myself in the darkness I could cry unselfconsciously. Not long after - and before the brats! I was snoring. Today I feel a lot better. Some of that grief has been purged the remainder is as before - always with me but no longer oppressing me. Tonight I'll try and have a relaxing house ready for DH as a 'thank you' and I'll call my father - I hope he made it through yesterday too. I can't wait until I get to visit the family in Brisbane again. And I'll be able to visit mum's grave too. That will be nice.