It is holiday time here and we are having so much fun. Dad is here which really helps. On Tues Kit went to his first tennis camp which he absolutely loved - but by Friday he was over it. It goes from 9am - 3pm and he was exhausted. I think too that he may have been missing time with Hannah. He certainly was missing time mooching about at home in his pjs. Next time I'll just put him in for a couple of days. They were great there. There were lots of his friends from school plus an old friend from childcare and he made a new friend too - Ewan - so cute when Kit all excitement lead me outside to meet his friend Ewan.
I have been way behind in Hannah's medical appointments. It makes me feel guilty but I somehow just fail on this - which is made especially bad because that is one of the reasons I work part time!! Anyway on Tuesday after the easter Monday public holiday I rang the pathology lab to check on the use by date of a request for blood tests - Hannah's paed must have written one about 2 years ago, her GP last feb and here it is at April and I am finally getting up the courage to take her down for them - to be told that they only last for 1 year...sigh... so as it was time for an annual flu injection ( a priority following her seizure from a temperature just a couple of weeks ago - man I HAATE those things!!!!!!!!!!) - I did that on Tuesday and also got a new path referral....so on Friday I made the appointment for her blood test - and on Thurs night as I went to sleep I felt sick in my stomach.
I know that Hannah is my daughter. And I am so proud of her and love her so much. I am totally convinced that she is EXACTLY the daughter I need. Yet when stuff like this happens I question whether I am who she needs.... she needs someone who is able to keep up to date with all the medical stuff. Someone who can do an hours work each day with her on her literacy or numeracy rather than me... someone who will make sure she gets to the dentist like clockwork every 6 months... I am hopeless - I procrastinate on all these medical appointments and parent/teacher demands. I dilly dally about them, I angst over them and eventually I get there - as if that is good enough. I know she deserves better but honestly for me it is the best I can do - I waited on the blood tests - until I was sure she was rested and healthy cos I really need that result to be good. How many of us harbour the secret nightmare of lukemia? Those of us who know the 'survivors' I guess....I also had to wait until I was rested and healthy cos just the smell of that place makes me feel sick with the remembered fear of hospital stays so long ago now...
We have been busy doing nothing much but bits and bobs of craft like this effort - Hannah's paper making:
When she wasn't hanging around medical appointments Hannah has been enjoying lunch in the local shopping centre's food court. She has been experimenting with fashion and doing craft of various sorts with me and her Grandpa. She has been bikeriding too - and me? I have even managed some quilting time - pure luxury!